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| So I figured I'd post something since I haven't in a while and the recent ones were just unhappy. Things aren't going completely swimmingly, but I'll be okay. My Aunt Debbie has something on her brain but they don't know what it is yet, so we're waiting for results from specialists in London. My dog has kidney failure and we're pretty much going to have to put her down this week, which really sucks because being away at university and not finding out that she was sick until sunday when I was on my way to university means I won't get to say goodbye. Which is completely rediculous if you think about it because she's a dog and she wouldn't notice nor would she care, but I think saying goodbye to pets is for your benefit not theirs. I guess I just wish I could. Otherwise I am here at York University. I don't have too many classes because I was lazy last year and didn't go to class near the end. Fine time to fuck up eh? Either way, I only have 2 classes right now. The prof. for my 'Self, Culture and Society' class is awesome but my prof. for 'A Writer's Introduction to Literary Genres' is a dumbass who reads out definitions of terms that we have in our required book. It's rediculous. Anywho, that's it for now...ta ta. | | |
| Okay, so people do read my xanga, lol. But that's okay. I don't even know where that last rant came from in the first place but it happened.
So everyone is back from New York. I quite missed them a lot actually, which is weird because I don't normally miss people after like one day. I don't know, I think it was because Wednesday was awesome. I really enjoyed sitting on the hill talking with everyone that came and went. Although I felt like I was talking to much. I hate that. I'm really not depressed anymore so I don't have much of a purpose for talking, also, it's unnessary if you want to keep your friends. I know technically speaking I only lost one for that, but it still hurts a lot.
Which is another thing. Everything that happened with Schlicter was my fault. I don't know what my problem was, but I pushed it way to far. I have no idea what got into me thinking I had the right to act that way. Then again, I did a lot of stupid things that I want to chop my own head off for. Most during the time from september to november.
Anyway, we're officially on the 9th month of Schlicter not talking to me. That's a long time. A human life gets made in that time. I don't know why it still bothers me so much. I mean, it's probably for the better anyway. We never got along for more than an hour at best, and the fight was always the same anyway. Plus, if it wasn't for him doing that, I probably wouldn't have woken up and realized how truely pathetic I had become. It took me a couple months after that to truely face the music, but I probably wouldn't have if he was still in my life. It was like a symbol for what was wrong with me.
And that's the thing. I'm talking about him, I'm thinking about him. I'm not worried about all the other crap that started this mess. I'm worried about the one friend I never even got along with that I lost in the process that in the long run is probably for the better anyway.
Now that I know people read this, I'm not sure what to do with this. I don't like people knowing anything anymore. I mean, in the summer every single depressed idea was out there for the world to see. Begging for attention. I would like to hide in the shadows again. But at the same time, I don't want to cut people out and not tell them things if they want to know.
So I put it as private for like a minute, but then I felt as though I was lying to people for some reason...I don't want to do that anymore...ever. To anyone who did read this, please don't worry about anything. The Schlichter thing is just...I don't know, I'll never understand, but it doesn't matter anyway, because soon we'll be done school and I won't be able to worry about it. Also yeah, you really shouldn't read these because I babble for absolutely no purpose.
alright
bye
JJ | | |
| Anyway, I have absolutely nothing to post but I'm going to post anyway.
I'm currently putting off showering before going out to dinner with the fam. I probably shouldn't go because I'm feeling like complete shit, but I'm thinking I won't go to school tomorrow to do all the homework I haven't been doing this weekend because I feel like shit.
I'm also worried about some of my friends. One is worried because she thinks she might be bisexual and I guess she's not handling it very well (not mentioning names, plus no one reads this anyway), the other wants to and has tried to kill herself repeatedly and I have no idea what to do to help her except beat up her moronic parents that I can't call moronic in front of her because she loves them more than anything for god knows what reason. The last is in yet another fucked up love triangle and I don't know what to do to help her. Should I help her move on even though he's one of my best friends? Should I leave it and let her deal with it by herself, even though I think she does that a little too often? Should I say that she should be with him because I kind of think that even though I simply want them both to be happy? It's hard when you have a guy friend and a girl friend who it's awkward to be in the same room with at the same time.
Then of course you go to the selfish flip side of what would have happened if they did end up making it work. I mean, right now I have two seperate friends when it comes to them, but if they had started going out and were joined at the hip like he is with his new girlfriend sometimes, I would have just them as one. Which sounds nice, super friend right? Not really. I don't know, it's so selfish, that's why I would be fine if they DID go out, but I just would feel horribly left out. Also I have one dynamic with her and one with him. I don't particularly want them to mesh. I guess it doesn't matter at this point, I get to have them both all to myself...seperately. Surprisingly that doesn't make me feel better, I feel terrible. I just want them to be happy...and she's not happy.
Then you have all my other friends. I wish I didnt' have two groups of them. I wish everybody in each group liked each other...well not really because not even one group is happy all the time. But I at least wish nobody hated each other. I know most people in the one group think that I have picked or am picking the other, that's not the case. It's just that if I'm going out for a smoke am I going to ask Tara who hates the smell, or Ephy who gets headaches? I also don't want Ivy to worry that I'm smoking too much, I mean, I can't smoke a pack in a day, but today I haven't had on and I won't.
I mean, I can't pick the other group anyways. It's not like I have 5000 fantabulous friends in there. Maybe 5 on a good day out of like 25. The other group I know everyone and I love everyone, I just don't know. I feel different. I am different, and it makes me feel wrong in the old group dynamic. It's not anything anyone else does, it's just my amazingly insecure paranoid tendencies.
I really am insecure. I wish I could get rid of it. I mean, I do not believe that a single person other than my mother and on some days my father, values my time. I mean logically speaking that has to be wrong. There are so many people in my life that I can't imagine living without. That has to mean that even at least one person feels that way about me, I just don't feel it. People aren't really expressive beings, so I probably simply don't see it, but even saying that, I don't believe it.
I should probably develope self esteem.
Huh, this was kind of theraputic.
sweet,
Bye to no one because who the fuck reads my xanga anymore?? lol
JJ | | |
| Ah, decisions, decisions. I shouldn't make them. I shouldn't be permitted to make them...it seems wrong.
I guess it's fine. I'm fine, I'm just disappointed.
I keep putting up weird cryptic blogs, it's creepy...not to mention cryptic.
Anyway, going now. | | |
| So here's the thing...
I actually probably shouldn't write anything, I don't deserve having an opinion.
I'm just really sorry that I've fucked everything up. | | |
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